nicole❣️
My First Club NYC❤️🖤🤍 🗽💫
🧠: @jeff.posts
Dancers:
@nicknikolic
@jordanna.udai
@sebastianjesusofficial (photographer)
@iam_joshhhmachooo
@clubnycent
@prettyboijen
@liyahhbri
@ugly.leek
@theofficial_queentayyy_
@n.finestt
@iammirah_
@alizayaaaa
@alexandratheegreat_
@nddance26
@sabrivb06
#explore #dance #nyc

10 years ago today, i tried taking my own life.
i thought i’d be happy for myself and with this accomplishment, but in all honesty, all i’ve felt leading up to today was dread, but i’m not sure why. i think maybe it’s because it feels like i’m living in someone else’s shoes, that i’m not me. i think maybe it’s because part of me did die 10 years ago. since then, i’ve been searching to get whatever is missing, back.
just this past november, i felt like i was 15 all over again. i was at my lowest point mentally and couldn’t imagine continuing on. so, like i did when i was younger, i put a plan in place. however, rather than act on my plan, i had to test my strength by seeking out help and support i told myself i never would. i had to put my pride aside and recognize i couldn’t function at that level of hurt anymore.
mentally, i often feel like i’ve been dragged through the pits of hell. at times, it feels like even with all of the treatments i’ve tried, that i’m a lost cause, that i’m just not meant to live long, or that i’ve passed my expiration date and am just a rotting corpse.
but then, there’s this little, quiet voice in the back of the mind who tells me there’s a reason that i didn’t follow through with my most recent plan, and a reason that i’m here and alive.
today, i decided to hike to the place i planned on taking my life in november. and rather than being dragged through the pits of hell, i kept climbing up and up and up. i got to experience some of what nature has to offer. i could feel my chest hurt from the physical exertion. i could feel the snow numb the tips of my fingers. i could feel my cheeks sting from the cold. i could feel my heart beating, could feel myself breathing, and most importantly, i could feel myself living.
i wonder what 15 year old me would think if she saw me now. would she be in awe of what i’ve accomplished since then? is she the little, quiet voice in my mind. i want to make younger me proud. so for now, i’ll keep living for her. and one day, when i’m not hurting as much, i’ll be able to live for myself, in the present.
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